Wisdom from the Coach (2014)

Kunst, J. (2014). Wisdom from the Coach. Central Recovery Press. Las Vegas

Perhaps most important is her awareness that any belief system can be turned into a fundamentalist creed, whether religious, political, philosophical, or psychoanalytic. In this respect she recognizes how difficult it is to live in the real world with its pain, disappointment, and imperfection, and how tempting it is to turn to a belief in our own omnipotence —a concept that Melanie Klein found to be so central to the human condition. Dr. Kunst suggests that omnipotence commonly involves three related beliefs: a belief in magic, a belief that we can be perfect, and a belief that we will live forever.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 134-138). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

ideologies. It is so easy to look for magical solutions from an omnipotent deity or an omnipotent ideological system, and in this way to partake of the omnipotence.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 142-143). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

De existentiella villkoren utifrån psykoanalysen utgår från antagandet eller sanningen att livet inte är rättvist. Detta ska utmana vår omnipotens. Men vad med en världsbild som faktiskt antar eller utgår från att livet är i högsta grad rättvist? Går det ändå att överkomma sin omnipotens, och finna ett lyckligt förhållande till de där villkoren?

Går det med “orättvist” att ersätta med något annat? Är det djupast sett bara denna insikt som kan få ordning på det hela?

Somewhere along the way, your parents broke the news to you, too: Life isn’t fair. And they were all right. As we mature and turn more and more toward reality, we must face it as it is. We must come to terms with its nature. Life is not always as we wish it would be. We wish we could live without pain, but we can’t. We wish we would always get what we want and feel we deserve, but we don’t. We wish that our loved ones would never die, but they do. And no matter how hard we wish, how loud we protest, or how well we behave, we can’t make these fundamental realities disappear.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1020-1024). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

They are psychological tricks we use to support the mistaken belief that we are more in control than we actually are. We all have these fantasies, to some degree. We believe in magic, we believe we can be perfect, and we believe that we will live forever.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1046-1048). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

There’s another kind of magic that’s also pervasive in the human mind-set. In fact, it is so pervasive that it has probably been a part of the human worldview since the dawn of time. This is the magical belief that good things come to us as rewards and bad things come to us as punishment. I call it magic because it is based on the belief that we can control what happens to us. It refuses to acknowledge the disappointing fact that while we can influence what happens to us, we can’t control it.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1085-1088). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

The idea of gods rewarding good deeds and punishing wrongdoing can be found in many systems, whether you think of Zeus and the Greek pantheon, Yahweh, Allah, Jesus, or most other conceptions of the divine. Prosperity, peace, and health are viewed as rewards. If we have them , we must have pleased the gods. Struggle, failure, strife, and illness are seen as punishments. If bad things only happen to bad people, and we experience them, then we must have done something wrong.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1091-1094). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

The heart of the story is Job’s poignant breakdown and encounter with the God whom he honors and serves. Job never actually curses God, righteous as he is. Rather, Job curses the day that he was born. He does not blame God for his troubles, but he does grieve them. And God meets him there. God speaks to him of ineffable mystery. God shows him that there is a divine logic beyond human understanding. There are exceptions to the general reward-punishment principle that we simply cannot comprehend. Sometimes the righteous suffer. It is a fact of life. The story of Job is supposed to be a lesson in accepting that life is fundamentally beyond our understanding— that, to put it plainly, sometimes shit just happens and we can’t understand why.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1100-1105). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

It is difficult for us to shake the wish that life should be fair, that we will get what we deserve. We want to understand life’s rhyme and reason so we can predict it and therefore imagine we can control it. With effort, we can loosen our grip on this wishful worldview. We can get closer to accepting life on life’s terms. The wisest among us can accept that life will always remain a mystery to us, at least to some degree. The humblest among us can get closer to accepting that we ultimately cannot control life, but must take it as it comes and do the best we can.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1112-1116). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

But I think the belief in someone, somewhere is a matter of faith. And faith is different from magic. Faith takes us to the belief that someone , somewhere understands the sense of things. Magic takes us one step further, to the belief that if we can get in the good graces of that someone, then good will come to us. We don’t just believe in someone, we believe we can control that someone. We believe that we can convince him or her to do things our way. That’s why I call it magic.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1117-1120). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

If I am perfect, I will succeed . I will never fail. I will never disappoint or be disappointed. I will never hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone. I will never say or do anything wrong. If I am perfectly righteous, good will come to me and bad will stay away. Perfection protects me from the harsh judgment of the gods and puts me in their good graces. I will have found the magic that keeps me safe.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1125-1128). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

This wisdom is conveyed beautifully in the children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit, 11 a tale that is both simple and profound . It has captured the hearts and minds of generations since it was written by Margery Williams in 1922. If you don’t know it, you’ve got to read it. The story is about a little boy who is given a stuffed animal for Christmas, the Velveteen Rabbit. While it is a soft and lovely rabbit, it does not have the appeal of the more expensive, mechanical, and fancy toys in the boy’s collection. So it is soon forgotten, overshadowed by the more exciting toys in the boy’s nursery. The Rabbit, however, makes friends with another long-forgotten toy, the Skin Horse, the shabby veteran of the nursery that had been the favorite toy of the boy’s uncle many years before. As the two stuffed animals are discussing the Rabbit’s inferiority complex, the Skin Horse shares some wisdom. A toy becomes real if its owner really loves it. Williams writes, “‘ What is REAL?’ asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. ‘Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?’ ‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become REAL.’” Oh, I just love this next part. “‘ Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit. ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’ ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ ‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse . ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’”

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1138-1154). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1153-1156). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.

Accepting life on life’s terms involves a shift to this more humble attitude. We are who we are. Just human beings. The crown of creation with feet of clay. There is no magic, there is no perfection. And, last but not least, there is no forever.

Kunst, Jennifer (2014-06-10). Wisdom from the Couch: Knowing and Growing Yourself from the Inside Out (Kindle Locations 1169-1170). Central Recovery Press, LLC. Kindle Edition.